Usually I try to start these weekly recaps with something clever that sums up what happened on 'The Bachelorette.' But after the Ali manhunt/ Jake vs. Vienna mash-up I just witnessed, there is little more to be said than, what in the hell just happened here?
OK, so there's more to say than that. Like, perhaps, why did they cut The Bachelorette short this week so they could haul out recently broken up Bachelor couple Jake Pavelka — who Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky ditched when she learned her job was at risk if she stayed on the show last season — and Vienna Girardi? Well, the obvious answer would be ... ratings! And while the numbers aren't in yet, I'm confident they'll be looking up.
But before we get all caught up in the breakup drama, let's head to Lisbon, Portugal — aka the latest stop on The Bachelorette World Tour. With palaces a plenty and castles fit for the queen and her five remaining drama kings, it's a beautiful place to fall in love. And with no roses being handed out on the episode's four dates, the pressure is off.
Ali's first date, with hot baseballer Roberto, is picture perfect (literally, they're capturing it all with a digital camera). And while she says he "could really be The One for me" during their romantic castle-top dinner, I'm not buying it. I don't think she can be herself around him (you know, since I know her so well, and all). And, yes, Roberto's as cute as can be — but there's not much going on upstairs.
Intelligence is one thing Ali doesn't lack, and on the two-on-one date, also set in a castle, she fears Ty won't be able to put up with that fact — what with his traditional Southern values, which his first marriage didn't exactly survive on. Big red flag, IMHO.
But hey, at least she has Frank on the date too. And, heck, the guy lives with his parents — and chooses now to admit that for the first time. She takes the news well, and insists she likes him and doesn't care who he lives with. Ah yes, she says this now, but ... yeah, you know how that goes.
For the third date, Ali chooses Kirk — with whom she has great chemistry and little else. They take a horse carriage ride through the Portuguese equivalent of Central Park, and it leads to — you guessed it! — a palace. Their dinner conversation flops hopelessly like a fish out of water until Kirk manages to say what Ali wants to hear about love, marriage, etc.
Flip the backdrop to a winery setting and you've got Ali's date with Chris L. — an identically dull exchange of inspiring words and a new bracelet (just like the one Chris' late mom used to wear) for Ali. By now I'm about ready for bed — except they keep airing these teasers about the nasty Jake/Vienna face-off to come.
For those who did tune out: Ty is the man left standing without a rose.
He says she made a wrong choice — and if that's indeed what happened, well, she might be destined for the horrific kind of televised confrontation Bachelor Jake and his "choice" — and now ex-fiancee — Vienna Girardi — are about to have during what should be the last 40 minutes of The Bachelorette.
What starts off as a host Chris Harrison-moderated effort to explain the real story behind the couple's split a few weeks ago quickly snowballs into a he-said/she-said/she-said-some-more about the most intimate details of their so-called life together.
From what I can make out, things were great for a month after The Bachelor wrapped, but upon moving into an L.A. apartment together, they discovered they had no relationship when the cameras were off.
Really? You mean to say a couple who hooked up on TV couldn't manage to have a real relationship off-screen? Shocking!
Then it gets ugly. Vienna says Jake was an emotionally and mentally abusive "fame whore." Jake calls her out for selling their dirty secrets to a tabloid. Vienna says he took shots at her sick dog. Jake accuses her of having flings with other men.
If I'm getting one thing out of this whole Jerry Springer ordeal — aside from sheer entertainment that I shall feel guilty about for all eternity — it's that Jake Pavelka is kind of a jerk. While Vienna has clearly made some mistakes (and might fall under the "fame whore" category as well), she's coming across as the genuine one here, while Jake maintains this aura of superiority and undermines her with condescending sarcasm — and then has the guts to say she constantly undermines him AND call her "Baby" like she truly is one.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm siding with Vienna on this one.
Next week (on The Bachelorette): The World Tour is put on pause as Ali meets the parents of Kirk, Chris, Roberto and Frank — and one of their dads is really into taxidermy. At last, someone creepier than Kasey!
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