{alltv} Dancing With the Stars' Diary: Hobos, time travel and teacher-student canoodling

It's story time -- and we've got 10 of them. The remaining "Dancing With the Stars" contestants took on story week, and though they were met with varying degrees of success -- there's no denying that they all really put it out there.

There was the hyper literal (you really don't have much room to play with a song like "Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop") and the completely absurd (we've seen the future, and there are still guidos).

We even got a new front-runner. Our tidbits from backstage, the ballroom and Audrina Patridge's game-changing waltz all ahead:

We didn't see it coming

When Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas descended the staircase in their winter-wear, were we the only ones who thought their story was about Alaska? That was the nicest hobo parka we've ever seen. Sadly, it wasn't enough to impress the judges. They came down hard on Bristol's poor game face, but not as hard as a lot of people expected. The slow number painted Palin as a more rigid dancer than we've seen in weeks 1 and 2.
There's not much to say about Jennifer Grey's slight stumble from her top ranking. Sure, it had to happen at some point, but we blame those tasseled slacks. All of her fancy footwork was lost in that mess of furry pant.
Florence Henderson may be our favorite septuagenarian sexpot, but we still sort of wanted to peel off a few layers of skin after seeing her plant such a big one on partner Corky Ballas. No, we're not ageist, we're colorist. And we don't need to see Ballas' dyed hair and bronzed skin getting all up in Mrs. Brady's grill.
Len, Bruno, Carrie Ann... we appreciate what you bring to the judges' table every week, but considering the many failures of the night, slamming Margaret Cho with three 6s (AGAIN) seems both cruel and unusual.

Audience vs. Judges

If the audience booed the judges last week for not giving Jennifer Grey a high enough score, there would have been bloodshed on the dance floor if Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani hadn't nabbed the season's first 9 -- and an incredibly well-deserved one at that. The crowd went nuts for their emotional tribute to fallen soldiers.
Kurt Warner couldn't be more charming if he dressed up like the Brawny paper towel guy and passed out puppies and college scholarships to the world's orphan population, but dancing with an umbrella does not make him Gene Kelly. Bite your tongue, Bruno.
"DWTS" frequently has to make a point of distinguishing entertainment from proper dancing, and this week, they fell short. We could watch The Situation's bizarre time traveling samba over and over, but there's no way you could call it an improvement from his previous performances. Even a modest increase in score seems like a slap in the face of integrity.

Backstage banter

While many of the stories this week touched on personal experience, Bristol Palin never wanted to go there with what she's most known for (having a baby). "Going out there with pregnancy," Bristol laughs, holding her hands in front of her like she has a baby belly, "It'd be like... 'great.' We've got to break the wall, jeez."
Kyle Massey has all of the judges in his favor except... oh, we forget. "What's the guy in the middle's name?" Kyle had to ask partner Lacey Schwimmer when talking about who blasted his footwork as "atrocious." No matter. The duo are reclaiming the word. "You know how the word 'sick' can be used to describe something that's really cool? We're doing that with 'atrocious,'" says Schwimmer. "'Atrocious' is the new cool," adds Kyle.
If, heaven forbid, Margaret Cho goes home in Week 3 -- she did have the lowest score -- the comedian would happily pull a Bolton and come back to show off her non-dancing talents. "I would love to come back and do stand-up," she says, " I wouldn't necessarily give it to [the judges], but I definitely could talk about my experience on the show. I've got a lot of jokes about it on my [tour] already."

The night in Bergeron

Bergs seemed uncharacteristically reserved during the show. (We hope double-dipping with "America's Funniest Home Videos" isn't already taking its toll!) But he did manage to squeeze in one mom-friendly dig at Louis Van Amstel's absurd jumpsuit. "It's always good to see Jack Lalanne's outfit come back," he said, referring to the 96-year-old fitness guru who's possibly never been photographed wearing anything other than his high-waisted uniform.

That's it, folks. And remember: the results show brings the return of the Bolton. He'll sub for Susan Boyle, singing "Hallelujah," while "DWTS" pros -- and real life husband and wife -- Anna Trebunskaya and Jonathan Roberts dance what we've been told is the greatest waltz you'll ever see.