{alltv} Raising kids on TV ain't what it used to be

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Frankie Heck is no June Cleaver.

But — with no disrespect to the recently departed Barbara Billingsley, who played the iconic Mrs. Cleaver — I prefer the frazzled Midwestern mom played by Patricia Heaton on ABC's The Middle. I know I have more in common with her, and not just because I rarely wear pearls around the house.

In fact, despite all the recent nostalgia about TV parents of the past, parents of teens can find some pretty good role models on TV today. Consider:

•Claire and Phil Dunphy on ABC's Modern Family. Yes, Claire meddles too much and Phil cares too much about being a pal. But at least they err on the side of connecting with their kids.

•Burt Hummel, Kurt's dad on the Fox hit Glee. His fierce support of his gay son is inspiring. And it's nice to see any involved parent on a show that mostly forgets parents exist.

•Coach Eric Taylor and his wife, school counselor Tami Taylor, on Friday Night Lights, now on DirecTV. They are sensitive but firm with their teen daughter — and are surrogate parents to a town full of otherwise neglected kids facing issues from pregnancy to drug abuse to crime.

"TV parents are dealing with real problems now," says Jennifer Wagner, a New York mom who blogs about teen culture at connectwithyourteens.blogspot.com. In the days of Leave It to Beaver, "the worst a teen ever did was fail a test."

But the biggest change is that today's TV parents are imperfect, too. The Taylors get angry. Frankie Heck is constantly, hilariously aware of her parental shortcomings (she lets her kids eat in front of the TV, flubs teacher conferences and hates her daughter's boring cross-country meets). And none of these parents solves problems with the single-episode ease of Mrs. Cleaver or Mr. C (Howard Cunningham of Happy Days, played by the also-recently-departed Tom Bosley).

"What you see on TV today is a much more realistic look at what it's like to parent a teenager," says Melissa Henson, director of communications for the Parents Television Council. "We see them making mistakes and trying to recover from those mistakes."

Henson is quick to add that some current TV parents are not just imperfect but toxic. The sleazy, sex-obsessed dad and uncle on CBS' Two and a Half Men are "the worst," she says. "Part of me does miss the days of The Cosby Show."

But today's shows reflect "a parenting pact that has changed considerably," and relies less on strict control and more on messy mutual engagement, says Anthony Wolf, a Springfield, Mass., psychologist and author of several parenting books.

And, in truth, the past was messier than TV let on. The old shows "were lies," says Wendy Mogel, a Los Angeles psychologist whose new book is The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Resilient Teenagers. But the myth of perfect parenting persists, she says.

Parents hoping to compete with either June Cleaver or today's "hyper-parenting" champs could learn a lot from The Middle's Heck family, she says: "These children are cherished without being worshiped, and the parents are involved without being enmeshed," she says. The teen son "plays video games, eats junk food" and gets mediocre grades, but his parents aren't panicked. In one recent episode, Mike Heck tells his son he's "an idiot" at the moment, but "I'm pretty sure you're going to turn out OK."

Just like Wally and the Beaver did.

A TEEN'S VIEW

Becca Goldstein, 18, not only likes all the parents on Modern Family, she recognizes them -- especially Phil and Claire Dunphy, the heavily involved but flawed parents of three kids.

"My dad is kind of like Phil," says the University of Pennsylvania freshman from West Palm Beach, Fla. "He's not a real manly man, but he tries to be Mr. Fix-it, and he is absolutely hilarious. And my mom appreciates his sense of humor."

The Dunphys "don't have all the answers" but demonstrate a loving and effective style of parenting, she says: "It's a two-way relationship," and it's "playful," but "you definitely know who is in charge."

In contrast, she says, parents on some shows, including Gossip Girl, seem to be more interested in being friends than parents.

Goldstein contributes to radicalparenting.com, a site where teens write advice for parents.