Live from the Octomom Complex in downtown suburbia, it's the 2010 Slammy Awards!
Join us, as we pay homage to the flawed fellows we have elevated to the ranks of celebrityhood, and the ignominious exploits that continue to make us feel better about our own paltry troubles, like food and rent.
As usual, we want to thank the Academy of Fine Sewing in North Bay, Ont., for helping us stitch this together.
The envelopes please:
THE 'DANCE YOUR WAY TO CLASSINESS' SLAMMY: To Dancing With the Stars, whose definition of "star" this year included Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin. Meanwhile, DWTS alum Lawence Taylor was charged with statutory rape.
THE 'I'M NOT EFFED UP, I'M ACTING' SLAMMY: To Joaquin Phoenix, who looked pretty effed up to us, but apparently spent the last two years portraying a coked-up jackass in a mockumentary. We can't wait to see the ones Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen are filming.
THE 'ASYLUM FROM STAR-WHACKERS, YOU SAY? WELCOME TO CANADA, EH?' SLAMMY: To our home and native land, which continues to provide a safe haven for on-the-run celebrity nutbars Randy and Evi Quaid.
THE 'TRY AND OUT-CRAZY THAT, KANYE!' SLAMMY: To Lady Gaga, who wore a dress made out of slabs of beef to the MTV Video Music Awards.
THE 'YEAR OF LIVING DOOBIE-OUSLY' SLAMMY: To Paris Hilton, who was busted for pot on the island of Corsica and at the World Cup in South Africa, and for possession of cocaine in Las Vegas. She explained the pot wasn't hers in both cases, and she thought the coke was gum. We're not making this up.
THE 'WHADDYA DOIN' LOOKING AT MY FINGERS ANYWAY, BITCH?' SLAMMY: To Lindsay Lohan, who insisted the words "F--- U, painted on her fingers, weren't meant as a show of disrespect to the judge.
THE 'GET UP AND BOGIE' SLAMMY: To Tiger Woods, who had his first-ever PGA season without a tournament win. Maybe he was distracted.
THE 'DON'T I GET A MULLIGAN FOR THAT?' SLAMMY: To Bones' star David Boreanaz, who announced he had been cheating on wife Jaime Bergman with Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel.
THE 'TAT'S DAT' SLAMMY: To erstwhile Monster Garage star Jesse James, who slept with a tattoo model while his wife, Sandra Bullock, was (ironically enough) filming The Blind Side.
THE 'WAY TO HANDLE THAT PIGSKIN!' SLAMMY: To the always-unretiring Brett Favre, who "sexted" unwanted pictures of his penis to a woman he was trying to impress.
THE 'WELL, WHAT THE HECK ELSE IS THERE TO DO IN ALASKA?' SLAMMY: To Levi Johnson, who reconciled with Bristol Palin in an exclusive announcement in US magazine. The re-engagement was called off a few weeks later when it was revealed he'd made yet another girl pregnant.
THE 'CRYING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK' SLAMMY: To Conan O'Brien.
THE 'OUTTA MY WAY, MOM, (SHOVE) I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!' SLAMMY: To Jay Leno, the hardest-working weasel in late night.
THE 'IDOLIZE AT YOUR OWN RISK' SLAMMY: To Justin Bieber, whose fans in Sydney, Australia, got out of control, resulting in several hospitalizations. In October, 16-year-old Bieber was accused by parents of assault, when he shoved a 12-year-old in an aggressive game of Laser Tag.
THE 'I WANT A DIVORCE!... HEY, ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT PICKLE?... NO ONE EVER PLAYED SHORTSTOP LIKE RIZZUTO / WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?' SLAMMY: To Larry King, 76, who filed for divorce from his seventh wife in April and changed his mind in May.
THE 'WE CAN REBUILD HER, MAKE HER STRONGER, FASTER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT SMARTER' SLAMMY: To The Hills' Heidi Montag, 23, who claims to have had as many as 10 plastic surgery procedures done in one day.
THE 'LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT' SLAMMY: To Charlie Sheen, who started the year facing domestic violence assault charges and, in October, trashed a room at New York's Plaza Hotel and was sent to hospital for observation for alcohol and cocaine intoxication. He remains the highest-paid actor on television.
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