{alltv} July Fourth TV highlights: Saturday

 

Even as you read this, the roads to America's beaches are clogging with July 4 traffic. And early Sunday morning, sweaty hordes will swarm popular fireworks viewing spots to claim the patch of grass from which they will ooh and ahh. But if you're more the misanthropic sort, you might enjoy these TV marathons and specials in your own personal air-conditioned splendor:

Saturday

Sports center

World Cup (ABC and ESPN 3D, 10 a.m. ET/7 PT) The quarterfinals continue with Argentina vs. Germany. Paraguay vs. Spain take their place on the pitch at 2:30 ET. By the way, if the inscrutable referee calls persist, we may witness a storied soccer tradition: the on-field riot.

Tour de France (Versus, Saturday, 11:30 a.m. ET/8:30 PT) Lance Armstrong mounts up for what he says will be his final Tour (he really means it this time), beginning with Saturday's prologue time trial. The three-week ride resumes Sunday at 8:30 a.m. ET with the first road stage. Play Tour de France Bingo at home, as you listen for classic catchphrases (e.g. "turning the pedals in anger") from commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen.

Wimbledon. (NBC, 9 a.m. ET/6 PT) The Russians — one of them, anyway — are coming for three-time women's champ Serena Williams. She'll play Vera Zvonareva for a possible fourth trophy. The men play Sunday at 9 a.m. ET/6 PT

Hooray for history

John Adams (HBO, 8 p.m. — 4:40 a.m. ET/PT) The founding father and often-overlooked second U.S. president gets another day in the sun as the Emmy-winning miniseries returns.

The Revolution (History, 11 a.m. — 4 a.m. ET/PT) The live-action/documentary hybrid highlights the ordinary citizens who gave birth to the nation.

Cautionary tales

House (USA, 9 a.m.- midnight ET/PT) 15 hours of insufferable smugness.

16 and Pregnant (MTV, 1-9 p.m. ET/PT) Watch new teen moms realize that newborns really are a lot of work and really do give you many, many sleepless nights.

Undateable (VH1, 3-8 p.m. ET/PT) Hey guys, thinking of taking advantage of that eHarmony free communication weekend offer? Before you fill out your profile, make sure you're not committing these crimes against romance: wearing a mandana or cellphone holster, adjusting yourself in public or ordering wine at stadium concession stands.

Bizarre Foods (Travel, 6 p.m. — 3 a.m. ET/PT) Just imagine the menu at Andrew Zimmern's Fourth of July barbecue. Ew.

2009 World Series of Poker (ESPN2, 4 p.m. — 2 a.m. ET/PT) Look at the prolonged effects of fluorescent lighting, complimentary fried food and poor ventilation on this crew, then carefully consider your next casino trip.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

UFC 116/Unleashed (Spike, 6-10 p.m. ET/PT) Gird your loins for four hours of sweaty, tattoo-covered men grappling and kicking at each other.

America's Next Top Model(Oxygen, 8 a.m. — 6 p.m. ET/PT) When you really think about it, Model really isn't that different from Ultimate Fighting. Trash-talking? Check. Scantily clad people taking swings at each other? Check. Ugly belts you'd never wear in public? Check.

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