{alltv} 'Bachelor Pad': Linda Vista Hospital, Blake the Snake and Ames the romantic

After the three-hour premiere, how will we ever get by with just two hours of "Bachelor Pad'? Turns out, this episode was chock full o' drama-y goodness.

Post-Elimination

Kasey preens that he's in control of the game - "If you don't choose a side, you're going to get canceled." That's ... not a phrase, Kase. Are you trying to make that phrase happen? Kasey also says it's going to be peace out for Jake. Man, I never thought anyone could make me want Jake to stick around and seem likable, but Kasey and Vienna are accomplishing that.

Competition

The guys go first - blindfolded, backs to the ladies, the girls one at a time are asked revealing questions. They answer the question by hitting the man with a paint-filled egg. If they hit the target, they get a point, if they miss, no points. The man and woman with the most points at the end is the winner. That is AWESOME.

Gia is first - who are you the least attracted to? She says - was that Blake? It was Blake or Kirk, who I'm still not convinced are not the same person. Melissa says William. Holly, Ella, Vienna and Michelle miss. Erica says Kasey. Jackie hits Michael.

Next is least deserves the money. Jackie hits Graham, Melissa hits Ames, Erica misses, Gia hits Kasey but her egg doesn't break. Third question is who do you want to see go home. Melissa hits Jake, Holly hits Jake (in the head!), Michelle hits Jake, Jackie hits Jake (and mouths that she's sorry) and Vienna hits Jake. He talking-heads about how much it hurts that everybody wants him gone. Boo hoo.

There is a tie-breaker between Melissa and Jackie. First question is who is the dumbest? Jackie misses, but she aimed for William. Melissa hits Graham and wins.

Guys' turn. First question is most likely to cheat on you. Jake hits Vienna, Michael hits Erica (?), Kasey misses (hee!), but intended for Ella, which - what?!

Second question is who do you want to go home? Blake hits Erica, Michael hits Erica, Ames misses but aims for Erica, Jake hits Vienna.

Third question is least attracted to. Graham hits Erica, Blake hits Erica, Kirk hits Erica, William hits Erica, Michael hits Erica (and throws overhand like a big giant jerk, as Erica cries, "Ow!") and Jake then aims for Erica and misses.

So Michael wins for the guys. And Erica cries and cries, because - yeah. Mean. Jake may have taken almost every egg for going home, but the guys' least-attracted-to eggs were spread around.

But Erica immediately loses all my sympathy when she throws Ella under the bus - she's "way bigger than [Erica]" and "not that pretty." I beg to differ, Boobs McGee.

Melissa and Michael will choose three people for their dates and give one of them a rose. Jake laments that now it's over for him, but if I were him, I'd start working on Melissa hardcore.

Michael's Date

The first date card is for Michael. He chooses Erica, Michelle and Holly. The date is at Linda Vista Community Hospital, a scary, abandoned hospital that Michael and Holly know about from a book. I'm with Michael - abandoned hospitals/asylums are the scariest places EVER. Have you seen "Session 9"? Don't watch it alone.

They creep around with their video camera and scary themselves silly. Heh. Apparently, three ghosts have been there on multiple occasions - a little girl in a surgical room, a woman in a hallway and an orderly making his rounds.

While Erica and Michael "find" hospital records and talk to the people in the records, Holly talks to Michelle about her unfinished business with Michael. She doesn't know how to be just friends with him.

Michelle takes some alone time with Michael (in the chapel that is filled with candles) and she grills him about Holly. He gives Holly the rose because he wants to spend alone time with her.

Up on the roof, there's an area set up with drinks and stuff. He admits to wanting to hang out with her all the time and he really wants her to be happy, as he gets choked up and she cries. She says she doesn't know what happened to them. She says the timing was off, he says he misses her. It's sad to watch.

Melissa's Date

Blake talking-heads how he wants to be chosen and thinks he will because he thinks Melissa is into him - but he "wants no part of that," just the money. That's lovely. She chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Jake looks resigned.

Melissa offers Kasey the rose right from the start and in return, he has to keep her safe next week. But on the date, Blake smarms that he needs the rose. He's not that into Melissa, but "you gotta do what you gotta do."

Meanwhile, back at the Manse, Jake is kind of moping around because he knows he's done. Vienna is downstairs talking the girls about how "unforgivable" the things he did to her were and how miserable she was and how badly he treated her. He then comes to ask her if they can have a word alone.

She says she doesn't want to - she's not comfortable speaking to Jake without Kasey with her. Wow, really? Is he going to throw you down on the pool deck and have his way with you?!

Gia is feeling bad for him, plus Ella is noticing how the drama is mostly coming from Vienna. Vote her out! C'mon, vote Vienna out!

Back on Melissa's date, Kasey is acting like the ringleader to Blake, who doesn't like that much. Kasey also says they're "having a yacht of fun," and Melissa calls that awesome and fist-bumps him. Um, dont' encourage him.

Blake the Smarmy takes Melissa off and says he wants to kiss her because you can tell a lot about a person from that. The 80s porn music kicks up and they make out. Blake calls this a way to "pacify" Melissa and says he's whoring himself out to keep her happy because he wants the rose. He is so much grosser than I thought on Ashley's "Bachelorette" season.

But it works! She doesn't give Kasey the rose and he talking-heads that he's going to take out a hit on her. Or something. He says "Melissa is not a good person." Oh, really? Because she didn't stay with the deal? It wasn't even much of a deal, plus I don't really think that has much to do with actually being a good person.

Blake smarms again that it's easy to kiss Melissa because he's had a few drinks. Sigh.

The Next Day

Gia starts working on getting people to vote out Kasey and Vienna. She has a yellow legal pad - what is it with her and the notepads? Does she feel the need to use visual aids to explain her really complicated strategy of eliminate Kienna? (Vasey?).

Meanwhile, The Most Disgusting Man Ever Blake is snuggling up with Holly, who says she's confused because she thinks Michael wants to get back together (um, ya think?), but Blake is new and exciting. Ughhhh. Think about Michael's feelings! These two deserve each other (Blake and Holly).

Melissa is searching for Blake, asking the camera, which is hilarious, and then says Blake has feelings for her and they had an "amazing, romantic night." Oh, sweetie. She finds Blake and Holly and inserts herself into bed with them. It's super awkward. Even the crickets are not chirping because they are too busy cringing at the awkwardness. Melissa might as well pee on his leg to mark her territory.

She then says she can't trust him. Blake nails it when he "sarcastically" says, "I just have a gut feeling that you're a sneaky s***, is that what you're trying to say?" Um, yes. 10 points to Blake. He then tells her not to get emotional and while yes, she's crazypants, men need to never say that ever again. I'd punch him in his pearly white teeth if I was Melissa.

Blake is now really regretting aligning himself with "Fatal Attraction."

Elimination Station

Ella is giving some thought to the Vasey elimination because she's not a part of a power couple and those pairs need to be split up. Jake approaches Vienna again and asks if Kienna will save him. Kasey acts all big for his britches (seriously, he's being completely gross too) and asks Jake if he deserves to there. Jake then volleys the grossness right back by saying he's going to donate the winnings to charity. Um, no.

Vienna calls him out on being hundreds of thousands in debt because of some limo company, which - that's kind of not cool with me. It's fine to call BS on his charity thing, but maybe don't air every piece of dirty laundry. But honestly - I expect way too much out of these people most of the time.

Kasey then gets so condescending toward Jake that he seems to turn Ella against him, who is sitting there listening. Vienna piles on by saying he makes everyone miserable and Kasey says he's a "bad person." OK, they are being disgusting. Kirk is also seemingly turning against Vasey as he sits there listening. What gross, spiteful people.

And they celebrate their humiliating of Jake by smooching and talking about how they're each others "forevers" and then Kasey does the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen on a "Bachelor" franchise show when he makes his stupid tattoo "throb" and then tries to do something untoward to me through the camera. Excuse me while I go rub lye in my eyes.

Chris joins the house for the elimination and talks to Jake and Vasey. She says it's not right to have your ex-fiance in the house and then Michael and Holly make funny faces and laugh and the camera cuts to Vienna looking like she just sucked on a lemon. Seriously, if she could have lit Michael and Holly on fire using only the power of her stare, there would just be two people-shaped piles of char on their couch.

Chris points to Michael and Holly as normal people who aren't disgusting and petty - he doesn't say it that way, but you know that's what he means.

Vienna then says "you guys already forced Jake and I to go on TV and do a national break-up in front of everyone." Um, who had the gun to your head, famewhore? Chris then totally calls her out, asking who is forcing her to be there? He points at the doors if she's so unhappy and says, "I'll call a cab for you."

Chris Harrison for President. Must get my "I need to talk to Chris Harrison" shirt made.

Chris then announces that this week two women are going home, no men. TWIST! That's awesome. So awesome. Vienna makes the funniest face while breathing heavily through her flaring nostrils. It's like she's trying not to cry and also trying to do long division in her head.

The deal also is that both sexes vote for the woman they want to leave the game. After Chris leaves, Vienna hilariously tries to get everybody to sit down and say they won't do it because it's "cheating." Watching her lose her mind is delicious, y'all.

Kasey starts saying they should just pack up and go home, as Vienna holds back the tears. Um, as I say on my "Big Brother" recaps several times a week - if you get voted out, they don't like shoot you in the head in the parking lot. Rein it in a little, V.

But the meltdown continues - and it turns out she's upset because she's going to have to spend a few more days with Jake in the house! Ummm. *makes thinking face* Does Vienna not realize she could GO HOME? She's convinced everyone in the house loves her and is on her side, which - the lack of self-awareness is staggering.

Michelle has the nerve to tell him just to leave the game because he won't win. Ugh, she sucks. What business is it of yours?

Meanwhile, it turns out Graham spilled the beans to Vasey about Gia plotting against them. Wow. If you aren't going to go along with it, at least keep your big trap shut! What a dummy. Gia storms off to find Graham, as she should. Rip him a new one, Gia.

Graham admits to telling Kasey Gia's plan was to break up the power couples. Graham is shocked that Kasey told her because it makes him look stupid. Um, like you did to Gia? Like how she told you something and you ran like a little b**** to tell Kasey and made her look stupid? You suck, Graham! Jerkwad.

Gia loses it a bit and decides she's leaving the game. She changes her clothes and talks to Chris about how she can't handle it, so she's out of there. She cries as they drive her away. Weak sauce, Gia. You stay there and fight! Get Vienna's butt out of there! She says she doesn't want to even give Kasey the satisfaction of voting her out because he's so condescending and mean. Yep.

The Vote

Finally it's voting time - this week certainly seems like three hours. Ella seems to be the target, which is kind of crap. What has she done? Vienna needs to go, you pansies! Ella starts scrambling for votes and partners up with Kirk.

So they're working on Jackie leaving, Ames is working on Ella leaving. Everybody just keeps coming to Kasey like he's friggin' God. Oh my god! What is this?! This is gross. How is no one saying, "Let's vote out Vienna."

Meanwhile, Melissa is losing her mind over Blake making out with her while flirting with Holly all the time. He invites her to have an adult conversation about it, but all she wants to do is cry and have drama.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Melissa, Holly, Michael, Blake (already have), Vienna (gross), Michelle, Erica and ... Ella. So Jackie is leaving, which is kind of a surprise. Ames and his tight red pants are sad about that. They smooch and then - he waves bye to the cast and jumps into the limo with her, saying love occurs in the most unexpected places. They ride off into the night. Awww! That was great.

Next week: Um, apparently Jake has a big package (?) and he makes out with Erica. Huh. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right Blake?

Outtakes - Jeff of The Mask is back! He cracks some of the paint-filled eggs into a frying pan while everybody sleeps. I am loving this. I really hope he's like secretly living in the mansion and nobody knows about it.